Gym Guilt

There's something I have to admit: I've been neglecting things a little. Rather than going down to my gym three times a week, as I plan to, I've been heading home straight after work. I've been taking more time out; more time to cook my evening meal, catch up with friends and family over the phone, and read the latest blogs and paperback books. Even more time having a cheeky mojito or two with my colleagues after work.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Nothing. We all need some 'me' time, and after the gym sometimes there's often not enough time to relax and get everything sorted at home. Sometimes after a long day there's nothing I want more than to have a hot shower and sink into bed to read, or watch something mind-numbing and entertaining on television.And some other times I just have so many things to clean and organise, I don't even have time to rest.

And yet... most evenings, I find myself staring at my gym kit, trying to justify skipping it just one more time. I make excuses to my colleagues (sorry!), my family (sorry!), my friends (....sorry!) and to anyone on twitter who might bother to read it (...really, really sorry). I pretend that I don't feel guilty - that I've earned the week off; that I'm just too tired / stressed / nauseous to go. 

Then I wait for a response; reassurance that it's ok to go home; that I don't need to exercise today or that they too are planning to go home and eat a packet or oreos in lieu of going for a run. But, aside from perhaps one short sarcastic response on twitter (if I'm lucky), or a reference to my last excuse, nobody responds.

Nobody cares.

So why the hell do I?!

It seems ridiculous really. Why do I feel I need other people's opinions to influence how I live my life?

It seems that I've been recently suffering from a bout of gym guilt.

It's been really bothering me, actually. And I think that it's because of this; it's another example of feeling validated and respected by others. Another example of needing to feel accepted. Another example of how my life online is changing my attitude towards life online (which is something I'd like to write more about). Somehow, I have managed to convince myself that other people really do care about how many squats I do each day (on average, none), how long I spend on the cross trainer (about 30 minutes, if I don't keel over first) or whether I'm going to classes regularly (no). 

You see, I follow a huge number of healthy eating / living accounts on Instagram. Every day I am bombarded by images of chia seed puddings, egg-white and spinach omelettes and coconut oil. I am confronted by photos of incredible abs, taught thigh muscles and tummy-baring tanned blondes in tiny bikinis. It is inspiring to a certain extent; I feel more aware of what I eat, how it makes my body feel, and making healthy choices, which does make me feel better. But it's also guilt inducing. With my life so 'out there' online, I feel like I'm being observed and, dare I say it, judged.  You'll notice, if you follow me, that my Instagram is full of burgers, chips, sugary puddings and brunches. Of course, I chuck in the occasional home-made soup or smoothie here and there, but it's mostly fairly indulgent. I choose to share the indulgent pleasures I let myself have a couple of times a week. But then, instantly, I feel guilty when I see others undertaking strict exercise routines and lifestyle changes, slowly seeing a change in their body shape.

This is what makes me feel as though I need to explain myself to the world. For me, everyone seems to be on a mission to lose weight, eat better and exercise more. Fine - except when it becomes the main focus of conversation. I've always worried about my body, no matter how ridiculous that is. I won't go into that, but the point is that everyone seems to be doing better and working harder than me and, as a perfectionist, I feel like I'm slacking; especially when I traipse home after work, avoiding the gym yet again.

To be fair to myself, I walk to and from work nearly every day. I walk everywhere; I rush around, I exude nervous energy, I pile my plate high with vegetables and am fairly controlled with junk food. But even that sometimes doesn't feel enough, and I can feel eyes judging me as I tuck my trainers back under my desk and reach for a creamy mocha.

It's exhausting. The gym guilt; the 'holier than thou' attitude which I am sure is all in my head, can chip away at my self confidence until, before I know it, I'm furiously online shopping for local personal trainers. It's yet another thing for me to worry about and I have enough on my mind as it is.

And yet again, I'm pretty sure that nobody cares.

So here's a resolution to myself. It's my body. Yes, more often than not exercise makes me feel better, even when it's the last thing I want to do; but sometimes it is good or my soul to head home and curl up with a good book and a slice of cake. Sometimes it's ok to go for drinks with your friends instead of hopping on the treadmill. Nobody's perfect, and even those seemingly controlled Insta-health fans probably have a momentary lapse.

It's exactly the same as the delusion that some blogger's lives are perfect. As Becky from Milkbubbletea posted a while ago, it may all seem like pure white surfaces, cute outfits and perfect days out, but behind the camera sits a blogger with no makeup, bad cramps and leggings tucked into her woolly socks. When it comes to blogging and Instagramming about fitness, it's not all 'proats', squats and detoxes. There's bound to be a burger or a lazy evening in there somewhere; they just choose not to share it. Another example of the desired online life.

It's great that other bloggers and twenty-something ladies are keen on exercise and healthy eating- I really admire it and often wish I had the same kind of motivation - I'm just not sure I can live up to that standard.

I'm tired of  feeling like I'm failing every time I collapse in a heap after work; if I want to go for a drink with colleagues instead of going to a spin class, or sit and read my favourite blogs instead of pounding the treadmill, that's fine. And if I do end up exercising, then that's good too.

I managed perfectly well for four years at university drinking, comfort eating and sitting at my desk studying for days without going to the gym; a couple of extra nights a week won't hurt!

And so, from now on, I'll try not to feel guilty if I do skip the gym for an evening. A healthy balance is what I need.

Now....where's my pudding?